Surprisingly, I’m debating whether or not to come back to my church and youth group. I still am unsure. Bitterness is still somewhat inside me. Then there’s also the awkward trying-to-fit-in-where-I-left-off stage. Then there’s also the possibility of having to explain why I was gone for so long in the first place. Going back would just bring a whole lot of awkward out of me. I’m way to good at awkward to be comfortable with such a possibility.
Yet there’s still that pull. The pull that reminds me why I started going in the first place. The pull that drove me to want to show others why I loved going. The pull that gave me meaning, gave me purpose, gave me hope. The pull that I’m lacking now.
As much as I don’t want to acknowledge the pull as God, what else would it be?
Oh yes, then there’s God. Not only would I have to do all those awkward things. I have to go back to You. You know what I’ve done since I left. I’m not deserving of You. You know the thoughts that’s been through my head. The hurt and pain. The sin and desire. The absence of You. How can I reconcile to You? I can’t understand that You’d forgive me. Then again, I’m not supposed to and You will, with no doubt.
I don’t know. Why did I even leave? ‘Cause I felt left out. I felt like everyone was going somewhere with their lives without me. I felt like they could handle everything without me. That the things I do at church can be done by another’s hand. I am expendable. Replaceable. That, every ministry I started, I gave up on. That I’m not faithful enough to follow through. That I’m not confident enough to lead. That I’m not worthy enough to go. That I’m not important enough to be noticed when I’m gone.
I never thought I would be able to understand where all this bitterness against the youth came from. Yet, I’m spelling it out. I’m sure there’s more I’m missing. Jealousy. Anger. There was definitely some of that. I’ll save that for another time. It’s late, I have school tomorrow, and it’s AP testing week. I’ll stop while I’m ahead. Sweet dreams of today’s awkward incidences in dance class. Heh.